Why is it that I always hate the way I look in photos? Is it because I’m setting my own standards way too high, am I just not that photogenic, or do I just not want to admit to myself what I really look like when I look in the mirror?
No matter what it is, I’m always extremely unhappy when I see photos of myself. Just like any other woman I have self esteem issues, but I normally try not to let it bother me too much. Stick a photo of me in my face and that goes right out the window. Half the time I promise to share photos on my blog or in flickr or even on my Myspace, but I never upload them because I honestly can’t stand the way I look. Why would I want to share them?
I look at my photos today and I see the extreme need for diet pills. I know I’m not super fat by any means, but I am a little overweight in my own opinion. I know there are probably a lot of women who may read this and think “OMG she thinks she’s fat? What a bitch!” Truth is, I don’t think I’m fat. I think I could definitely lose a few pounds, but for the most part I’m comfortable with my weight…until I see a photo of myself. My low self esteem issues as well as my mother constantly telling me “you’re going to get fat if you sit at a computer all day” (her way of trying to convince me I should have been a doctor) makes me look at those photos and think I am fat.
I used to not let it bother me. Of course I was also a “little” girl until a couple years ago. As a teenager I was 5′2″ and around 95-105lbs at any given time. I cried my junior year of high school because I wasn’t able to donate blood because I didn’t meet the 105lb weight requirement.
Just 2 years later I cried again when I came home from college for the weekend and my mom told me I was “getting too fat”. I hadn’t gained much weight. I was just starting to develop that womanly figure. My non-existent butt and hips suddenly appeared out of nowhere. I’ve been a large chested girl since the minute I hit puberty, but nothing else decided to fill out until I was 19.
From that point on my mom constantly reminded me how my metabolism was slowing down, and I would if I wasn’t careful, “get fat”. I tried brushing it off over the years, but lately it’s only gotten worse. These days she doesn’t tell me I’m getting fat. No, instead she reminds me of how fat I am because I’m not stick thin anymore. Apparently she doesn’t care that I’m comfortable with myself most of the time. At least for the most part I know if I got sick I could spare a few pounds.
I think what bothers me the most is the fact that I know my sister has gained 40lbs in the last year, but my mother doesn’t say a word to her because she has a thyroid disease that can contribute to the weight gain. Unfortunately my sister’s weight gain isn’t healthy…so much so that her doctor quickly put her on a diabetic diet to try to help her lose weight to prevent becoming a diabetic.
But to hear my mom tell it every bit of my sister’s weight gain is due to her thyroid, not the fact that she sits on her ass eating junk food all day, and she pushes fattening unhealthy foods on my sister because she’s afraid the diabetic diet is going to “scare her into being anorexic”. Give me a break already. That’s the biggest load of bullshit. But, alas, instead of helping my sister get healthy, my mom deals with it by constantly badgering me about gaining 20 lbs in 3 years.
I know I’ve strayed from the point of this post, but that’s just something I had to get out. I’ve been debating posting some new photos taken last week, and I just can’t make up my mind if I can even deal with sharing them. I know 1000’s of people aren’t going to flock to my blog to tell me I need to lose 15 lbs, but every single time I look at the photos I hear my mother’s voice ringing in my ears.
“Oh my goodness Jenn, you need to lose a few pounds. Look at that fat roll.”
